Honesty in Relationships

Two-sided, honest communication is vital in your relationship and sex life. It is a key to understanding your partner, to keep each other happy and satisfied. Perhaps you –or your partner – feel ill at ease when you talk about sex. However, it is better to face your problems as soon as they raise their heads. Being honest in your sex life, your sexual history included, is not awkward, it is a responsible thing to do.

According to Laura Berman PhD., a Chicago based relationship counselor and sex therapist, you should ask your partner about tests on sexually transmitted diseases. You should ask this question early in the relationship, before having (probably unprotected) sex. You should ask your partner about the date of their last test. You know that a negative HIV test from two years ago might not mean a safe sex life now. The sex therapist says you should be upfront and casual, for example, you should say, “I have had an STD test since my last relationship; and you?” According to Berman, you do not have to discuss how many partners you had in the past or the exact details of your encounters, because it may lead to jealousy. Your honesty on being tested and healthy will be just enough. Require the same honesty from your partner. It is a matter of your safety and health.

Both Laura Berman and Marty Klein, a licensed marriage counselor and certified sex therapist, say that many American couples focus on getting married instead of communicating with each other and getting to know each other. This is how they fail to notice key differences in their sex drive and lifestyle. It leads to unaddressed issues. Later on, lack of communication may make things worse, giving way to superficial expectations.

According to Klein, people believe that they should feel intense sexual desire for their partner forever - however, it is not possible. On the other hand, when you do not have a satisfying love life, your empathy level gets lower, and it undermines communication and understanding. It is a vicious circle. It may lead to conflict, anxiety, mental and emotional distress, depression and marriage problems.

Again, honesty can help. You should just tell your partner about your sexual needs and desires. Klein says that candlelit dinner will never make up for communicating your desires to your partner.

Non-sexual, honest conversation can deepen your relationship, too. You can talk to your spouse about sexless subjects, like a dream vacation, you can ask them where they see themselves in 10 years.

Laura Berman mentions social media as another channel of communication. Probably you have access to your spouse’s profiles and passwords. Berman says you should not obsess over this option. When you secretly monitor your spouse’s online life, you display a trust issue, probably self-esteem issues. You would not want to search your partner’s room, right? If you want to know something about your partner, ask them honestly instead of spying on them.